We would all like to run businesses that are as efficient as possible and which run as smoothly as possible, so we can actually get on with our jobs without having to worry about every little thing, and so we can actually make some money and build a successful company.
However, many of us do a wide range of things that do NOT help us with that. That’s why, below we’re going to take a look at some things you should do if you want to ensure your office DOESN’T run smoothly. If you can avoid them, then hopefully, your business will be a well-oiled machine after all!
1. Banish The Broom
First things first, cleanliness is next to godliness, and we’re not running a temple here, are we? Let those paper piles become paper mountains. Encourage your employees to eat at their desks and to consider crumbs as desk confetti. Dust? That’s just a protective coating for unused equipment. The more cluttered and chaotic, the better. After all, you can always find what you’re looking for… eventually. Who needs a professional office cleaner who will actually make the place sparkle, boost productivity and help to prevent employee sicknesses (and absence) anyway?
2. Coffee? We Don’t Know Her
Want to watch the world burn? Remove all traces of caffeine. Replace the coffee machine with a mysterious beverage labeled “Decaf Only.” Watch as the office slowly descends into a yawning, sluggish mass of humanity. It’s not just a beverage, it’s the lifeblood of productivity, and you, my friend, have the power to drain it.
3. Mix Tapes for Torture
Ambiance is key. Create a playlist that jumps from heavy metal to elevator music in the span of two songs. Keep the volume just high enough to be distracting but not loud enough to warrant a complaint. It’s the perfect way to destroy concentration and ensure that no one gets into “the zone.”
4. The Chair Charade
Ergonomic chairs? Pfft. Give them seats that are one step above a medieval torture device. The more squeaks and wobbles, the better. As they fidget and squirm for comfort, they’ll spend less time doing… well, anything productive.
5. Embrace The Maze
Rearrange the office layout nightly. That way, nobody gets too comfortable, and every day is a new adventure. Who doesn’t love a good game of hide and seek with the printer?
6. The Internet Is Overrated
Slow internet is the key to a slow office. Implement a dial-up connection for that nostalgic “eee-errr-eee” chorus. Bonus points if you can make it so slow that it takes five minutes to send a single email.
7. Meetings About Meetings
What’s better than a meeting? A meeting to plan for another meeting, of course! Make sure to fill up everyone’s calendar with meetings that could’ve been emails. The more time spent in meetings, the less time there is for anything else.
8. Micromanage Mania
Hover. Lurk. Stare. Give unsolicited advice every three minutes. Question every decision. Employees absolutely love it when they have no autonomy or trust. It builds character or something like that.
9. The Bermuda Triangle Office Supply Closet
Need a pen? Good luck. Organize the supply closet in such a way that nothing can ever be found no matter how hard one looks. It’s not mismanagement; it’s a fun treasure hunt for the whole team to enjoy!
10. Technological Time Travel
Out with the new, in with the old. Replace all modern tech with the glorious gadgets of yesteryear. Think fax machines, typewriters, and phones with actual cords. Digital efficiency is just a fad, anyway, and everyone knows the fax is due a comeback soon anyway right? We’re sure you will have no problems communicating with the outside world at all.
11. Say “No” to Personal Space
Cubicles? Those are for people who like privacy and concentration. Open floor plans are out, too—too much freedom. What you want is a cramped, noisy space where everyone is elbow to elbow. Think of it as a bonding experience because nothing says we are on the same team more than hearing every single conversation they have with their clients, their wives and even themselves.
12. Pet Peeves Galore
Pet-friendly office? Nope. But do bring in a boombox that plays a loop of dogs barking and cats meowing. It’s proven to be just as effective in distracting your team, and it doesn’t have any of the benefits of actual dogs in the office like increased productivity and lower employee stress levels.
13. The Quest for the Holy Grail… I Mean, Stapler
Office equipment should be treated like rare artifacts. Have only one of each essential item, and then hide it. Need to staple something? Well, let the quest begin!
14. Praise Publicly, Criticize Publicly
Make sure to air all grievances in the most public way possible. Nothing says “team spirit” like a good, old-fashioned public shaming.
15. Paper Jams and Toner Tantrums
Don’t fix the printer. Ever. A malfunctioning printer is the cornerstone of an inefficient office. It’s like a bonfire everyone gathers around, except no one’s happy and nothing gets done.
16. “Reply All” For Every Email
Encourage everyone to hit “Reply All” for every email, even if it’s just to say “Thanks!” That way, inboxes are always full, and important messages are lost in the shuffle.
17. The Fridge of Forgotten Foods
The office fridge should be a science experiment. Labels and “clean out by” dates are for the weak. Plus, the mystery smell adds an element of excitement to the day.
18. Birthday Bashes
Celebrate every single birthday, anniversary, and minor holiday. Cake-induced sugar crashes are the perfect way to halt productivity mid-afternoon.
So, if your goal is to create an environment that’s as far from “running smoothly” as possible, follow these steps to the letter, but if you happen to want to give your business the best chance of success, then maybe do the opposite of everything mentioned above, okay?