“You’re just like your mother.” Depending on who or how it’s said to you, this statement can be a blessing or a curse, and warm your heart or make your blood run cold.
That’s the funny thing about families: they give you roots, but sometimes they hand us patterns, generational trauma, and so much baggage you’ll never pay the excess baggage fee during your lifetime.
For many families, the problems are present throughout multiple generations. And the same struggles your mom had were handed to her from her mother and then her mother before her, too. Your dad struggled with money, and now you do too. Your grandma’s marriage was complete chaos, and now you’re bound to repeat her life once more. And regardless of how much therapy you pay for, you feel like you’re living some weird Groundhog Day that isn’t a day on repeat but a lifestyle doomed to be relived until someone finally figures it out and breaks the pattern.
And if it feels unfair, it is. There’s no beating around the bush. You’re not living your life, but someone walking a journey trodden by family members before you, and you’re laden down with their overly heavy backpack of family dramas. But you can actually unload that backpack and free yourself from the shackles of generational trauma to live your life the way you need to.
Find It and Name It
The first step is to identify what is there and name it.
It’s possible that you never discuss your feelings as a family or openly share what is going on with each other, and you grew up believing that feelings are a weakness. This is something that needs pointing out and naming so you know what you’re dealing with. Perhaps the issue is financial, and you didn’t learn good financial habits because your parents didn’t model them for you.
They’re not family quirks; they’re echoes of a life lived before you and a cycle you need to break free from.
Once you recognise what is happening, you can then make progress in changing this for yourself.
Take some time to write down all the things you have learned from your family, and ask yourself if these are true or just habits and crutches people used because they thought they had no other choice. Seeing things written down plainly in front of you can be the first crack in the wall you need to start breaking generational trauma and patterns down.
Learn Why
There is always a reason behind why people do anything. And you cannot even begin to break habits if you don’t understand why they’re like this in the first place.. It might be that someone in your family faced abuse or addiction that made them the way they are today, and it’s the reason things are done a certain way.
And the ripples of their lived experience are seeping into your lifestyle, meaning you, too, are carrying the weight unknowingly.
Learning the why behind what is happening is giving them an excuse; it’s a way to separate their journey from yours and to help you build a new path that recognizes and appreciates their struggles, but allows you to move forward without dragging it behind you, too.
Break The Silence
Generational trauma thrives in silence. It’s what allows things to continue without anything changing. And it’s not just one family member; the entire family will never change.
Breaking the silence you lived with your entire life is scary; there’s no denying that. If you’re not comfortable discussing the topic with family members, you should find someone to talk to.
Find a therapist, a friend you can trust and confide in, and a support group of people experiencing the same thing. Even just writing your thoughts and feelings down can be a great place to start. But the key is to get things out in the open, break the wall of silence, and start tearing it down.
If you open the wounds with your family, be gentle, respect their views, and listen more than you speak, even to what isn’t being said, because this won’t be fun or easy for anyone. Everyone needs respect and understanding when things are finally brought into the open.
Take A Reset from Trauma
Resetting what you know and live from something toxic and unhealthy to something that allows you to live a healthier life, not weighed down by your generational trauma, isn’t easy but essential. It’s about drawing a line in the sand and being intentional about what you do so that you can put healthy habits and boundaries in place without disrespecting anyone.
For some, cutting all contact is necessary to heal and start anew; for others, it’s about acknowledging that past events are irreversible, but you can choose to start a new path, one not dictated by others’ actions.
Whether this is following a more spiritual path and using crystals and holistic therapies to help you heal and move forward, or having a voodoo curse removal to help you banish any curses placed on your family, use this reset to free yourself however you need to and move forward with a new state of mind and reason for living.
Pass On Something Better
Breaking cycles isn’t just about your life; it’s about the life and legacy you want to pass on. If you want it to be entirely different, you need to show your kids a new approach. It’s saying “I love you” out loud, even though you never heard those three words growing up. It’s about teaching them to protect their space and mental health, setting boundaries, and allowing them to be honest with you without being disrespectful. It’s about modeling behavior and healthier habits that you didn’t see growing up. And with every bit of change you implement, those patterns you lived through will loosen their hold and break apart for new ones to take root and become your future.
